We’re talking relationships here?

Well I have a relationship with my depression; the little sod’s been following me around for the last ten years, reminding me occasionally that he’s still not gone away. It’s been the most punishing journey at times, with desperate lows and highs that reached just above my ankles.

I remember watching a TV program about depression; my initial feelings were what a complete waste and then thinking that I had an instant remedy for them all; simply take them to a local children’s hospital and let them stroll around the wards, that should sought them all out.

That was until I started suffering with depression.

The reasons are too long to go into. But on the day it happened there was physical ‘pop’ in my head, like someone had just flicked a switch. My world collapsed around me, everything seemed black, all I could account were negative things and I turned into a gibbering wreck in a nano-second. Initially, I was not in a good place mentally but after six months it levelled out into just being in a bad place. The best way I could describe the feeling would be; absolute despair.

Some of the most famous people from around the world have had it; Winston Churchill, Sheryl Crow, Jim Carey, Billy Joel, Stephen Hawking, Robin Williams, Robert Burns, Spike Milligan to name a few. Not bad company really?

Along with my depression came other little nuances, both emotional and ridiculous in equal portions. I think finding a training shoe in the fridge one morning confirmed where I was at! And then ridiculously asking myself ‘what dickhead would put that in there’??? I was living on my own.

Couldn’t stop counting, I’d count the hairs on my legs, if I got the chance. The stripes on someone’s jumper was always comforting. The grains of rice in my takeaway, which actually stopped me from eating the stuff.

Couldn’t go to bed without checking if I’d locked the doors and windows and then when I’d checked them all, I’d think ‘did I check the kitchen window’? So off I’d go back downstairs, all the back lights on, check the kitchen window again and then decide I may as well check them all why I was down there… and so the merry dance continued for another three or four times.

I was always at my happiest when I was driving, it was only then the world actually caught up with the speed my thoughts ran through my head.

When I broke down while trying to explain what was happening with me. The person who I was speaking with quietly explained, ‘they don’t call it a good cry for nothing’. Good and bad that advice was; good because I could finally let out all the pent up frustration and cry. Bad, because I let out and cried whenever I had any pent up frustration.

This will sound ridiculous to anyone who’s not been there, but the first time I raised my head above the mire involved the colour of rape seed when it’s in bloom, the deep vibrant yellow could actually take my breath away. But for three years during my depression I drove passed the same fields of rape and felt nothing. Then one morning there it was; a thick field of deep yellow as far as my eye could see. I can’t describe it properly, but it’s as if I can’t believe anything in the world could be naturally that yellow and it felt good again.

My depression also gave me something in return; creativity, I enjoy writing now and for someone who has qualifications in woodwork and art, it’s quite an achievement.

I’m ten years on and I still lapse back in, generally due to the demands I put on myself and always after I’ve convinced myself I’ve beaten it.

Depression is a serious problem and I’m in no way trying to make light of it. It causes pain across the whole gamut of a family, not just the person who has to deal with it on a day to day basis. These are just my experiences of a relationship that’s close to me.

What would I say to my depression if it had a face? GET BEHIND ME!!!